I just did a thing

I just did a thing

Today’s post brought to you by me being an idiot with a chicken caesar salad.

Foods…this will be a bit harder to list since I had a few wee bites!

Pre gym breakfast: 1/3 banana, cottage cheese
After gym: Amino energy (I’m all out now ughhhh wahhh), protein shake, black coffee while getting ready
“Breakfast” at work at like 11: new frittata slice (it has broccoli, spinach, ground turkey, ham, cheddar cheese, and nutritional yeast)
Snack: Iced americano with whole milk and sf syrup…it was a lot of milk. Like 4 oz at least. This may just be an iced latte at this point. I don’t know I just make shit up.
Snack/lunch at like 2: Two gluten free pb toasts with butter
Dinner: chicken caesar salad with shredded chicken, romaine, broccoli slaw, parmesan, and caesar dressing
“Dessert:” tea with coconut milk, one date lol

So I tried really really hard to listen to my body today! I am actually really throwing myself into trying as hard as I can (even though I did add up calories a little at the end of the day. I couldn’t help it. It isn’t informing my choices though and I’ll be working on not doing that).

Like I wanted a small thing before the gym, so I had a mini breakfast. I wasn’t really hungry for my proper breakfast for a few hours, so I didn’t eat it until later. Then I had my coffee and when my lunch break rolled around I didn’t really feel like eating the salad I’d packed yet, so I didn’t eat it. But when I got back from break, a pb toast sounded perfect, so I had one. Then I wanted another so I had another. And then I felt utterly content and it was perfect.

So I took my lunch salad home and ate it for dinner. After dinner I wanted just a small taste of something sweet with my tea, so I ate a date and it was great (huehuehue).

It’s weird, I have still been thinking about food a lot, but in a different way. I don’t feel consumed with the idea of what I’m going to eat next, because I can eat anything I want whenever, technically. I mean, I obviously always could, but I have been so mentally restricted that even barely into it I feel really liberated.

I keep thinking of things I can do. I was thinking how much I am going to miss breweries this summer and having cider in the sun. Well, fuck that, I’m going to drink some cider in the sun. I was literally stressing about making these short ribs I have because the recipe calls for a lot of sauce that probably won’t all be used, and I didn’t know how to count it. But now I can just make the fucking ribs.

I know I am in this honeymoon stage where the idea of eating intuitively is full of possibilities and seems so freeing, but I am conscious of the fact that it’s going to be really hard.

For instance, I know I have a lot of body image work to do, because my positive self image is very tied up with my being “on track” diet wise. I feel pretty negative about how I look right now, even though I KNOW I look exactly the same as I did on Saturday, when I felt great about myself.

I can tell this is a formative month. I can feel it. I can tell that the amount of pressure I am under right now, from working a lot and also trying to get this internship, figuring out what I am going to do with my life and trying to actively achieve it instead of being afraid and passive, working on finally fixing my relationship with food and getting on the right track toward establishing a good relationship with my body, etc etc…these are the pressures that will shape me in future. I can tell I will look back on April and think, yeah, that was really hard. I was dealing with a lot.

And hopefully I will say how it was all so, so worth it.

So this morning I woke up hungry, so I had a snack before going to the gym. I don’t remember the last time I’ve done that; I never eat before morning workouts because…6am is too early for food??? Idk.

Anyway so I had some cottage cheese and 1/3 of a banana and then I went to the gym.

I did back and 15 min hiit on the upright bike for 45 min total. Check out my bruises from front squats on Sunday wheee.

Hahahahaha 

My friend just found some pictures from her birthday last September and posted them on Facebook. 

This is Mike and I. Our relationship in a nutshell, tbh.

Hahahahaha

My friend just found some pictures from her birthday last September and posted them on Facebook.

This is Mike and I. Our relationship in a nutshell, tbh.

Today has been good? I guess? I don’t know anymore? Help?

No it actually has been okay; I had a relaxed morning, went to my 2nd interview type thing for my internship, had a coffee and read Intuitive Eating outside at a coffee shop, bought a bit of drugstore makeup (and new hair ties because somehow I have only existed with ONE hair tie for like six months?? How I didn’t lose it I’ll never understand), and went to the gym. Then I came home and had foods and now here I am.

Foods:
-Breakfast: scrambled eggs with kale, onion, cheddar cheese, and nutritional yeast, oats with peanut butter, black coffee
-Snack: cold brew coffee with 1/2 and 1/2
-Protein and amino energy post workout
-Dinner: crab cakes with dijon aioli, spinach salad with honey mustard dressing and brown mustard (crab cakes were grain free and really good, I’ve never made them before!)
-Snack after dinner: granola with coconut milk, kiwi, 1/3 of a banana

Also today I did weights (chest) for ~30 min and HIIT on the treadmill for 10 min. I did 5 incline with 1 minute walk/30 sec sprint at 8.5.

It’s been super weird to realize that I have very minimal ability to read my body and determine if I am actually hungry. I have just royally fucked my hunger cues and they are virtually nonexistent. I didn’t even feel very hungry when I was done working out at like 5, and I’d only had one meal. I am so used to just eating what I have planned on eating when I have planned on eating it that I can’t tell if I’m actually hungry ever.

And it was really hard to pick what to eat today; like, since I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t even know how to properly feed myself. The only things I knew I really wanted were oatmeal and the kiwi; everything else was like, well…you’ve got to eat so you might as well eat this. I mean it was all really good, don’t get me wrong, but I am so used to planning everything in advance that I have a hard time also determining what I *want* to eat. Usually I plan it all out the night before or during the day so when it’s “time to eat” I just eat the thing next on my list.

Also weird not measuring things; that shit is ingrained DEEPLY. I automatically pull out my scale and set my dish on it before I portion anything out. It was so stupid, when I was making breakfast I was just like…how do I cheese??? What is portion of cheese??? I am used to cheese just coming in ounces, always measured.

Clearly I’m losing my mind.

Actually I’d give myself a B for a good “first attempt” at cold turkey cutting off calorie counting/eating intuitively. B- maybe. But I am trying REALLY hard.


In other news, I need to re edit the pieces I edited last week for the internship. She said I did well but I can re work/re organize/completely re write stuff way more than I did. I tried to keep the voice of the author intact, but they don’t seem to be as concerned about that as I’d thought they might be. It makes sense given the medium; after all, it’s a blog with articles, not a novel.

So basically I have to re work the articles and format them in Wordpress which I have never used and then if I have done enough and they look good I will get the internship?? I am still feeling really stressed about the fact that I still don’t know, but it seems like a reasonable process. I mean it’s also a paid internship so I get that they actually want someone who can, you know, be useful.

So I’ll have to work on those after work again this week. It’s going to be another long one.

The first picture of me is what I was initially going to wear, but I decided it was too short? I do not have a body that works with professional person clothes very well. The second is what I decided to wear; it’s a black pencil skirt on bottom. But it’s too formfitting. The office is super casual but if I get it I’ll really need some more professional clothes. I’m realizing 99% of my outfits are tucked into boots, or involve a lot of bare leg.

Tonight: I need to do laundry, food prep a bit, and maybe throw myself off a cliff if I get the chance.

(Christ this was long, sorry)

Oh also

If you sent me nice messages, thank you.

You all are very sweet and I really appreciate it.

I still genuinely couldn’t tell if I was hungry or not but I figured I probably should eat since it is like 11:30 and I have my internship thing at 1 

I had a scramble with kale, onion, cheddar cheese, nutritional yeast, and Yumm sauce, and oats with cinnamon and peanut butter. 

I’m not feeling emotionally stable enough to go do internship stuff I just want to stay inside forever but obviously I have to. I don’t know what to wear either, I have no professional clothes. ): 

Maybe I’ll go to Target later and see if they have decent cheap pants. Maybe I buy several lipsticks to make my day happy WHO KNOWS 

Also I’m so looking forward to lifting later. Exercise saves my mental health every fucking day.

I still genuinely couldn’t tell if I was hungry or not but I figured I probably should eat since it is like 11:30 and I have my internship thing at 1 

I had a scramble with kale, onion, cheddar cheese, nutritional yeast, and Yumm sauce, and oats with cinnamon and peanut butter.

I’m not feeling emotionally stable enough to go do internship stuff I just want to stay inside forever but obviously I have to. I don’t know what to wear either, I have no professional clothes. ):

Maybe I’ll go to Target later and see if they have decent cheap pants. Maybe I buy several lipsticks to make my day happy WHO KNOWS

Also I’m so looking forward to lifting later. Exercise saves my mental health every fucking day.

You probably shouldn’t read this, it’s unpleasant and awkward.


Read More

The cover of this book makes me wildly uncomfortable

Currently drinking peppermint tea, listening to Blind Pilot, and reading.

What I’m assuming is stress has triggered…stuff.

I feel super squidgy talking about specifics of my disordered behavior because I constantly have a hard time accepting it as a presence in my life, as opposed to a thing I just “used” to deal with. But it is. So…this.

I almost want to post about my day because while the morning was great there were elements of today that really drove home how fucked up aspects of my relationship with food are…but it just makes me so uncomfortable talking about it.

(Message me if you want obviously, esp if we talk ever)

There really isn’t any resolution to this, I just made some further realizations today, both good and bad.

Oh also I pinched my finger between plates today

Tis nice and purple and puffy

Oh also I pinched my finger between plates today

Tis nice and purple and puffy