Today has been good? I guess? I don’t know anymore? Help?
No it actually has been okay; I had a relaxed morning, went to my 2nd interview type thing for my internship, had a coffee and read Intuitive Eating outside at a coffee shop, bought a bit of drugstore makeup (and new hair ties because somehow I have only existed with ONE hair tie for like six months?? How I didn’t lose it I’ll never understand), and went to the gym. Then I came home and had foods and now here I am.
-Breakfast: scrambled eggs with kale, onion, cheddar cheese, and nutritional yeast, oats with peanut butter, black coffee
-Snack: cold brew coffee with 1/2 and 1/2
-Protein and amino energy post workout
-Dinner: crab cakes with dijon aioli, spinach salad with honey mustard dressing and brown mustard (crab cakes were grain free and really good, I’ve never made them before!)
-Snack after dinner: granola with coconut milk, kiwi, 1/3 of a banana
Also today I did weights (chest) for ~30 min and HIIT on the treadmill for 10 min. I did 5 incline with 1 minute walk/30 sec sprint at 8.5.
It’s been super weird to realize that I have very minimal ability to read my body and determine if I am actually hungry. I have just royally fucked my hunger cues and they are virtually nonexistent. I didn’t even feel very hungry when I was done working out at like 5, and I’d only had one meal. I am so used to just eating what I have planned on eating when I have planned on eating it that I can’t tell if I’m actually hungry ever.
And it was really hard to pick what to eat today; like, since I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t even know how to properly feed myself. The only things I knew I really wanted were oatmeal and the kiwi; everything else was like, well…you’ve got to eat so you might as well eat this. I mean it was all really good, don’t get me wrong, but I am so used to planning everything in advance that I have a hard time also determining what I *want* to eat. Usually I plan it all out the night before or during the day so when it’s “time to eat” I just eat the thing next on my list.
Also weird not measuring things; that shit is ingrained DEEPLY. I automatically pull out my scale and set my dish on it before I portion anything out. It was so stupid, when I was making breakfast I was just like…how do I cheese??? What is portion of cheese??? I am used to cheese just coming in ounces, always measured.
Clearly I’m losing my mind.
Actually I’d give myself a B for a good “first attempt” at cold turkey cutting off calorie counting/eating intuitively. B- maybe. But I am trying REALLY hard.
In other news, I need to re edit the pieces I edited last week for the internship. She said I did well but I can re work/re organize/completely re write stuff way more than I did. I tried to keep the voice of the author intact, but they don’t seem to be as concerned about that as I’d thought they might be. It makes sense given the medium; after all, it’s a blog with articles, not a novel.
So basically I have to re work the articles and format them in Wordpress which I have never used and then if I have done enough and they look good I will get the internship?? I am still feeling really stressed about the fact that I still don’t know, but it seems like a reasonable process. I mean it’s also a paid internship so I get that they actually want someone who can, you know, be useful.
So I’ll have to work on those after work again this week. It’s going to be another long one.
The first picture of me is what I was initially going to wear, but I decided it was too short? I do not have a body that works with professional person clothes very well. The second is what I decided to wear; it’s a black pencil skirt on bottom. But it’s too formfitting. The office is super casual but if I get it I’ll really need some more professional clothes. I’m realizing 99% of my outfits are tucked into boots, or involve a lot of bare leg.
Tonight: I need to do laundry, food prep a bit, and maybe throw myself off a cliff if I get the chance.
(Christ this was long, sorry)